O hey fellow bloggers, hope all is going well for everyone in this crazy world.
I haven't had a legit blog in a long long time, but today after reading some really great ones, including a pro-ana one run by an amazing writer, I decided it was time for me to do this. Whether it's to help others, help me...I'm not even sure yet...I'm just hoping that someone will benefit from my life.
Well First things first, my blogger name is Lilah Lee, it's obviously not my real name but then again, what's a name even mean???
I'm 18 years old, 19 next month and am going to be a sophomore in college. I have struggled my entire life, as long as I can even remember, with extreme anxiety. Having GAD and OCD at such a young age teaches you to hide it in various ways, therefore no one ever found out about my true life. I always smile and hide my pain so well no one would even guess I had any problem at all. I even won (somehow) best smile in my senior class of around 500. But you friends are the rare few to now know my secret life.
The beginning of my OCD started before I can remember. As embarrassing as it is to say, and some people probably think i'm making it up, which believe me, I wish i was.....but it was Masturbating. It took control of my anxiety what can I say!! OCD is a scary thing, it takes control of your brain in ways I don't think we'll ever understand. In 2nd grade I had to talk to a therapist about it, because I was doing it during class...which would obviously be a bad thing in the near future...BUT this lady, after observing me for a while, dismissed me... if she knew anything (or maybe I was THAT good at hiding it) my life would have turned out much, much better... but no, I continued a troubled, spiraling, confused life for the next 10 years, and on and on it goes....
Later in life ( I was still probably around 8) my masturbating in public turned into touching things. Intense OCD. I HAD to touch things. Or bad things would happen, that was it. Plain and Simple.
Eventually in 9th grade this slowed down greatly but once again, my OCD decided to warp into something new, something more publicly acceptable. I would count words, numbers, on my hands....names, signs.. but only in times of worry. My whole high school career consisted of me thinking I was a freak...I would warp through slight glimpes of anorexia and Bulimia, and still do to this day. Well, not the purging.... Although these EDs never lasted long enough for me to worry about them. And whenever I was inches away from consulting a therapist my anxiety would stop, it was a NEVER ENDING CYCLE. Finally! At the mid point of my senior year I went to talk to a therapist. I loved her immediately. After just a few visits she was able to correctly diagnose me. I KNEW I has OCD my whole life but for some reason never made the connection that I just straight up had anxiety. She saved me. I am soooo lucky to have found someone like her on the first try! I had come sooo close to killing myself it still scares me to this day. And it still scares me to think what may of happened if I never went in...
BUT anywho, just thought I would share a little of my past with ya, thanks for listening :]
Now, I am on a 20mg dose of celexa and although my eating problems/ weight problems are still up and down, my anxiety has decreased greatly!
My whole life I was skinny, I swam on a team for 7 years and my freshman year (although I was sick before starting) I started out a 102 lbs and 5'4''. SKINNY, maybe even too skinny idk if I believe in too skinny but some would tell me that....
Any ways...junior year I was about 5'8'' and 136 at my best.. right now im trying to get back to that... and ever since I stopped swimming its been an up and down roller coaster.
I diagnosed myself as EDNOS... for those of you who don't know, it means eating disorder not otherwise specified...Who knows, what I am... but It seems fitting...
Currently I weight a gross 179 and am at 5'9".... but im trying not to beat myself up over it, just cutting the cals and going to the gym!! However... I'm scared that this Ana is going to return...not that I hate all of it, but parts really do scare me. I ate under 1000 cals today, but no gym...I try to never eat more than 1200 a day, without going toooo low...but we'll see what happens.
This past year at college I got up to 186, and then dropped to 158, my goal was 155....however i;m not sure how,when or why I gave up...just got bust and distracted I guess... but once again I am at 179...FAIL..but it's ok because i'm going to get down to 145 at least. I NEED THIS.
Thanks for reading me, friend. I love reading blogs and would love to read yours if you read mine :] I'm always here for advice and hope that you can possibly help me with my goals...as I will help you :D
Love Always
Lilah <3
P.s. PLEASE do not leave comments telling me to get help, or that i'm stupid.. I am actual a very smart person who knows what i'm doing.. I just need friends and support, that is all.
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