ughh, crying again.
Me and B had such an amazing day together. I love him, he said my face already looked smaller, and his encouragement is amazing. I'm not sure if he realizes how hard i'm restricting.... especially since I just dropped cold turkey, from eating like 2000 to 500....
And he smiled the whole time we hung out, I love it. He said "old" me is back, referring to the one he met in 8th grade, nothing to do with my size, just my attitude. But my "crazy" is back as well, maybe thats what's real about me? hmmm.
But seriously, today was amazing...with him
I can't wait till we can live together just us... How did I find this amazing person?? I am sooo lucky. The main thing I have going in my life. I love this. Our trust is finally like 99% back... after I fucked it up, then him, then me again... I guess this stuff is bound to happen in an on again off again 4 year relationship.... I love him. I have never, ever loved him this much. He is my everything and that scares me. I was the happiest I've been in so long, yet the sadest now... Is this bi-polar? Pms? I don't even kno....
I haven't hung out with any of my gf's lately... just brad, and then our friends when we party....
i need them, but I feel like me and girls never mix for too long, my whole life I have been in a group for awhile... then into another.
I like being alone sometimes...
I miss my girls in college soooo much. They were wonderful....
Next year i'm living in an appt with 3 friends I have known forever, but as it nears closer to the fall, I just don't see it being as amazing as it once was. I LOVE MY COLLEGE GIRLS. But I love these old friends. In college, these girls are all gorgeous, we ate mostly healthy together, and went to the gym... 2 of my friends im living with are overweight, one is skinnny, I worry about her sometimes....but...we'll see, i've know these girls my whole life... gosh this is roots leading into a new tree into branches... I just don't feel like talking about the history of it all.... MAIN POINT: I want a workout buddy. My bf is living in the same complexes but with two of his guy friends and A GIRL... as first it worried me, when my jealousy sets and its scary the things it does to my head.... BUT I end of loving her, she has a long term mf, shes a VIRGIN, I absolutely love her. AND she diets and works out and what not.... so? I think she's a perfect person for this. AND she also hates girl for the most part, hence living with males lol....OMG did I even tell you guys im transferring colleges next year? That would probably of made this easier to understand lol
once again...blabbering...
Maybe i'm becoming too obsessed? I may try not to count calls as perfectly, that was I will relax a little more and hopefully will sleep a little better... I need to think less... I need to do yoga, it calms me.
Anyone one out there??
I think the grapes did it for me, olives in the salad=life in me again.'
probably will eat a lemon ice again, 100 cal... coool
Spending the night as B's hopefully.
I just want to cuddle right now, I fear if i dont go to his house, then my insomia will continue through the night...
I NEED to be happy again, usually i'm a happy person...really.
i must do something tomorrow to distract me that has nothing to do with food, and it must take focus...I can't take this thinking anymore... hmmm tennis?? I like the sound of that.
Any ideas that you guys do?
o god...shopping on monday for summer clothes... Im going to have to buy size 10's and 11's I just know it...I finally fit into a pair of 7 hollisters, but they were stretch, so that always helps... my 8's we're fitting as well... Now, my fav pair of jeans, 11's from hollister (i cant go by their sizes cause they are so mismatched)... uggg well, no jeans for me on monday, just cloth/spandex capris, and tank tops... I pull that off real gooood, and that way I'll look even better when they are hopefully loose....
My mom is wearing my shorts right now. She looks hot. Shes tan, beautiful... MY shorts... that look gross on me... size 7 or 9, bagging off of her, beauty. but i'm going to make it. I only want a normal weight! Im not trying to be a size 0, or even 1 for that matter or 2 or 3...4 would be nice, but i just WANT to be a solid 5....
it's not even fair. look how far down my confidence is... I need a shower and sleep lol.
Positive thinking from now on ladies!!!!!
Tomorrow, is going to be great, Im going to drinking some tea before bead to hopefully put me to sleep.
Soo bloated tho, god damn pms... im losing weight and looking worse lol at first I though it was in my head and then my mom goes you arent pregnant are you. uhhh? seriously? fuck the world lol.. I feel like she keeps commenting on my weight... and then My sisters friend today was like you used to be crazy amazing at swimming) I was I know that.... I didnt take it harshly. But then hes rubbing my arm, and saying he likes the feeling of (i dont remember the word lol...but it was something like squishy) I just looked at him like really??
This brought back so much pain, My senior year I was soooooo determined to get 2 school records, just seconds away, junior year I got the 100 back record and was part of a relay record.
Then....August, we're doing 2-a-days, some time's running as a 3-a-day... Im debating whether or not to eat the cake my friend brought from the party the night before....I give in, I jsut worked my damn asss off... I'm walking, up the sairs, across the balcony...Slip, pop. knee is 90 degrees out of place... There goes my swim scholarship, not that I had one... but any chance of one gone... Records?...gone. States? gone... well, my coach loves me and and help all these race offs toward end of the season, I ended up with like 2nd alternate or 3rd alternate lmfao. But, my conference I hit about the same times i had junior year... impressed the world. I LOVED IT.... but still, Im not going to be remembered at my high school as I had dreamed and hoped for for 7 years... 7 years of missing parties, friends, social events, football games, being late for homecoming,... being late for school... have 4 hours asleep a night...to wake up at 4:45 to swim....
I miss it tho, the competition, the 1st places, dropping seconds...
AHHH I need to come back lol, this isnt the me I love.
Im sorry for telling you all this random boring shit you probably don't even care about....
hmmmmmm,idek anymore....weight tomorrow, idec... If I lose, I will be happy beyond words....not even enough energy to be thrilled....
o and this gets me, my dad comparing the gas leak, like seriously 1/4 cup in our van... to the mother fucking oil spill LOL... this is madness.
HAHA I LOVE YOU ALL, I really do.
Comment please, leave me your gracious opinions on my life, harsh, sure i'll take what ever I can get.
Love.
Lilah. XXXXXX
Edit: I weighed myself tonight...174.5... is that possible?? idek... I guess so and I didnt even drink that much water today.... Im obsessed... I need to stop weighing myself lol. I went on with my clothes and was at 175.5 and thought mhhh I just need to know lol.. So I stripped, and I hit it cooool.
I feel so lite and free.
I guess this is good.
Im scared tho.
Yet I love it.
Sorry for the lengthy post....
Most of my girl friends are ones I've known since growing up. Seems like too many girls are into drama & I am not, so I tend to hang around guys more, or other girls who don't like drama/other girls as much.
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