distracting myself from food.

I want to eat but cant.
so here I am!
what's up.

Im def going to state this weekend and I think I was 168ish when they saw me last around halloweenish.
it pisses me off that I got to 154 and they never saw me lol.
But I guess If I can hit 163ishhh I will survive ahahahaha

ugggggg I dont even know what Im posting about...
I dont get many comments anymore.... probably because all I do is ramble lol

I want to hang out with Joe so bad..... but like I said... Im letting him do most of the initiating now...
like I usually only text him if he does first... and I'm not going to ask him to hang out anymore... I feel like that was mostly me.. and who knows, maybe he's just a nice guy who cant say no... but then again he does text me everyday...
uhhh I soooo pathetic.

I guess my self esteem is just pretty low.
I had a guy tell me one time that I was pretty but he was searching for hotter.
like straight up.

bitch.

I just want a guy I can have fun with who makes me happy.. I don't think its a lot to ask for...
but whatever.. Idk if Joe will end up being that guy... but we've been talking for almost a month so I feel like in the next couple weeks we should be at least thinking about what were going to do... and the thing is that like... I guess if he doesn't want to date or whatever it's fine, but I just want to know that you know??

wow this post is a mess. thanks for reading if you did.....
I don't know hwat to talk about.
I wish I could just cut my fat off.
Oh and I was talking to Jack today.... he's basicaly brads best friends and the only one who knows about my eating problems... he has them too sometime.. and also has really bad self image issues... so we get along really well.
I told him I want to lose 20 pounds, he's like, isn't that a bit drastic kels... uhhh no?
it's funny cause he wants to help me... but wants be to be happy.
that's 145ish... which would be fucking amazing.
I think I would look really good in hte 140s!!
Getting there sucks. being patient... I am so bad at.

Im watching biggest loser... this guy lost 12 pounds in one week.
can I do that please???

haha I just want to look good girls.
why does it have to be so hard??
I just want a guy to love me... not even that.... just to like me...

this guy on BL just lose 15 pounds in a week1!! WHAT THE HELL!?!? I mean sure.... they aree like 250... but still?!!?!?!!


whatever... off to try and not be depressed.
love you girls.

 Update.
so why am I so weird.
I just spit/chewed 2 pieces of bread...
I guess Im just fucked up.
Joe texted. me "Good night! Sweet dreams!! :)"
like do friends do that? or does he legit like me...

what ever... I had like 3 guys hit on me today on freakin facebook and tell me how gorgeous I am and blah blah  blah... Im not going to fuck you so shut the hell up....
Why can't I get the ones I actually like.

laxies are kicking in... might as well stay awake until they do...
Im 166 flat right now.
165.6 will be the same as today...
I want less than 164.8 but we will see.
im such a fuck up... I was 160.8 like a week and a half ago... o well....
net <500 tomorrow...
lets gooo.
oh. and I want to eat a chef salad tomorrow? thats good right? i mean since Im working out im not too worried about the protein... and everything else is good... I would love some ranch yummm but I really can not let that happen.

Love you girls.
please doooo better than me.