life.

today was the first day that I haven't taken laxatives in the last 4 days.
I need to stop that... I literally peed gold this morning.


anyway...I haven't really been on the scale too much..
I did smoke weed today tho, had some cheese its but not more than a serving which is 150 calories so im not worried. Today I ate:
walnuts
hard boiled egg, not a whole one
cottage cheese
lots of fruit
(fried shirmp) ehh I took all the breading off of about 80% of them prob had 6. I'm not super worried since  Ididn't eat my 100 cal treat a day I guess this counts.
ummm fruit again
sushi

thats all  Ican remember... I did throw a lot of food away tho so that's good.
We'll see what my weight is tomorrow.
I would hope that I'm 184.? but we will see.

Today at work I literally almost had a panic attack.
This gorgeous girl walked in. literally everyone on here would agree that she has the perfect body... long legs, skinny... looked like a model.  Well right before this I was just super bummin out about how fat I let myself get and I guess that just put the cherry on top.
I basically vowed to myself to go on a raw foods diet/starve do whatever it takes to get back down... I was literally sitting there wishing that I was a full blown diagnosed anorexic. How fucked up is that? but later when I thought about it I realized that there is a lot more to life than weight and body size and that although I do need to care I need to care less than I do ATM. so we'll see where this leads. I also want/need to start working out again.  once it cools off a bit i'm going to start biking a lot... and running on a track... and swimming. Swimming is going to start back soon tho.

Tomorrow morning I'm going to pack a few more things up, continue to clean and go grocery shopping. I have a cliff bar at my new place so that will have to hold me over till I find something healthy.

I'll prob post my weight in the morning... I just keep getting so frustrated when I eat so healthy and don't lose.  I still have the goal of 183.? on mon morn so i'm gonna have to do super well this weekend! Carey is coming up on monday and if I'm at 183.8 then that's 5 pounds from when he saw me last which would feel pretty awesome to say... although i'm not going ot lie I really can't wait till it's 10... then 40 lol

Carey and me only texted today, I think it had to do with his work schedule and him sleeping... but he just sent me the cutest text I've ever received. It said " I keep thinking about you :) stay out of my head missy! I'll never get to sleep" Literally made my week. Especially aftr fighting with my roommate all night... but that's a different story :P

I hope you all had a great week.
I'm working on commenting more but I've been super busy between work and moving lately!

<3 <3