CRAZY? me? NEVER.

<<<<>

Love this body. not taken in 2001 like the shirt says, this was 2007? maybe for me.... amazing. I miss sophomore year ...no not at all. Just the weight lol

Lie.

I swam my life away. 10 practices a week?

yup.

Wish my face looked ok here

LOL

OMFG, i've gone crazy again lol...

I have a Love hate relationship with myself haha

OCD, anxiety, insomia are all back, first time since JANUARY, so i've made it almost 1/2 a year.. whoo hoo!

I'm not sure if I love or hate this... I'm so motivated... yet, I know this is damaging to my body

Not wanting to eat, not wanting to sleep...

But I do want to sleep OH SO BAD... but I JUST CANT

Clearing things up, I have no eating disorder...Possible EDNOS... but its only on occasion

Putting myself in positions where I enjoy pain?

Dont get me wrong

I don't self mutilate, purge, anything like that

It's all inside me you see

Tattoos.

I have 2,

best pain.

Piercing?

10

5 in 1 ear

3 in one

nose...sadly gone now

Belly button

reverse, the bottom is pierced

top rejected

I WANT MORE

But its sooo quick.

I have had a few true anxiety attacks in my life

The others, THOUSANDS were all inside of me

I hid it sooo well

I love this feeling

I used to hate it, it scared me

Why am I so happy?

Cause I fight to control myself?

What is WRONG WITH ME?

Nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Everything?

Nope.

I'm perfect. Look at my teeth.

You WON best smile in senior class

So?

Gorgeous.

Beautiful.

My hair is perfect.

Lucky genes.

So they tell me...

HA.....

Acne?

never, what's acne?

Nails.

Perfect,

long,

hard,

never break,

funny.

I am funny.

Then why, am I not happy.

True, those are good.

Not good enough

Metabolism?

SLOOOW

Boyfriend

He loves me.

4 years and counting

Told me he felt my cheek bone the other day.

Wonderful.

He supports everything

...that he knows.

Body=

BAD

he doesnt complain

I know he would love me to be skinny

but he loves me too much to fret

He could have almost any girl

he chose me?

Why?

Food?

God I love it.

I swam for 7 years.

4,000 cals?

everyday!

what do you weight?

ohh 110???

um,.....? not anymore?

Go swim laps you dumb ass?

Once I was amazing...

It WILL be back.

Control?

Hmmmm

Am I going crazy?

Nuts?

Psycho?

Nope.

Normal.

For me.

I am normal in my own vision.

What is normal?

who created normal?

i will.

Right now.

Watch.

Learn.

THIS is normal

Did I just create a poem of craziness?? lol idek

Sorry if it was dumb...

Im on zero hours of sleep...

it makes me loopy.

Im pms'ing too.

Makes it all sooo much worse.

I can only thank my readers... seeing that number of view go up is like a drug... wtf am I saying?? lol Lack of food fucks with your brain haha

Cried today... legit broke down...damn period

My mom

=one of my best friends.

This past year she went from 196 to 145. SO proud of her. She did it sooo healthy.

But at the same time... I ballooned to the highest ever.

College is supposed to do that right? excuses...

I want to be sooo happy for her but its hard when I have this damn struggle.

Example of today: We were talking about how I want to lose weight blah blah blah...

more to the story I forgot

Then she goes, it's like we switched.

WE SWITCHED.

????

She meant no harm... I know this.

She loves me unconditionally.

I don't deserve it.

But I just started crying... usually I could have walked away laughing.. lol... Then 2 minutes later, were talking and laughing again... bi polar much? haha Im just gonna say its pms lmao

OH! And my navy recruiter just showed up at my door! lol... First time i talked to him.. I'm going into occupational therapy and after I graduate I want to be a possible Officer in the Navy for OT... so, i've been looking into it. He shows up in his full uniform of course. Why do I want one so bad lol. And why was i so attracted to him?? must be the damn uniform. Gets me everytime! But....he was a ginger?...I have never been attracted to a ginger. NOTHING against gingers, i think some girls are beautiful! well.... thats a lie, I have been attracted to one before lol. anyways im rambling.... BUT now im happy?? mother fucking mood swings!! FTW haha..

Oh and this made me laugh, at my height I need to me like 180ish to qualify for the navy standard....But it might possibly be 174... So What do i do? Say 172 lmao... and why was I so happy after saying that? lol... AND I told him about my GAD and OCD..but told him they are gone now..which they basically are lol. AND my tattoos. AND my bad knee.... damn...i'm on a role... I never tell anyone lol. *shrugs shoulders*

Mmmmk, crazy me is gone lol.

On a fantastic note, So far today I have stuck to my plan... however mom wants to go to wendys and split a chicken mandarin salad. 570 cals. fuck the world right? lol. BUT were spliting it, 285.... ehh I need the protein in my life lol and i usually only used half the dressing, taking away 42.5 of the cals so i'll be eating about 242.5. i'm perfectly fine with that.

Can you say longest post ever??????? Usually I add tons of color but i'm feelin kinda lazy..

OK! if you guys are bored...serisously go to my sisters formspring: CLICK ME!! :D Seriously...if i ever have a bad day...I go and read this! funnny shit. BTW, she, nor I am the least bit racist, she has a lot African American friends, and has no stds, and uses complete sarcasm the whole time.... what can I say. She is great :]

I want a hot pink font soooo bad!! but... it's does not exist.

I'm gonna go weigh myself real quick brb.

Im just kinda hoping for 176.5 again, but we'll see. I'm not obsessed with it or anything, just like the fact of knowing..........

.....

.....

....

FUCK THE WHAT>!>!??!?!??!

175.5

WHAT THE HELL????

yesssssss omg, how did that even happen... well I guess I only ate 165 cals in the last 14 hours... I guess that would do it lol... but still I weighted 177 this morn... must be water weight?? But I didnt pee that much... I'm sooo confused, but NOT complaining :D

I love all you listeners out there, especially you Wilted Rose ;]

WAYYY TOO MUCH LOVE POURING OUT

Lilah