Fooood.

Why do I love food so much?

I'm thinking that I have an eating addiction... or something.

I've been trying to post all day but just haven't been able to say anything.

Food was alright today.

veggies:??

grapes:80

banana:90

sushi:284

banana:90

ice cream strawberry thing: 100

yogurt:160

crackers:70

apple:60

broccoli: 60

Total:990

uggg I was doing great earlier...

but I only had 2 hours of sleep

the went to work, 7am till 4... fuck that.

I was only supposed to work till 10:30 but took the shift till 2 for a friend since he helped me...

and now im rambling.

Well since the lack of sleep and working all day burned some cals im not too worried.

I also know that I legit hurt from cashiering hahahah. we had the busiest day of our semester because students who have "bronco bucks" on their ID's have to use them by Friday.....

I saw a girl... so skinny... had to be ana... why am I jealous of that? uggg

So on a positive note!

I have goals! legit goals.

they will happen... I know I have made ZERO progress in the last month and a half... but this will change.

I could feel it coming back to me today.

I felt sick looking at the cookies.... and mashed potatoes. and my period is almost over!

SO Goals.

Christmas: I want to be in the 150's.

that is the goal. 159.8 is fine. but this is the goal

That is the only actual weight/time sensitive goal I want to set right now haha.

But my "rewards" lol

I almost went and did like 4 of these, but decided I didnt deserve it.

Oh FYI my body image/self esteem/body dysmporphia whatever I have.. has been as an all time high... I have legit almost cried in public about being so fat.  I just cant handle it anymore.  Im probably about 165 and I still can not believe that I was 186 last year.

REWARDS :D

159.8? ears pierced again.

156.8? Nose pierced.

155.8? Hair cut.

153.8? Fake nails.

150.8? Tanning package???

148.8? tragus pierced.

I may adjust them or swap them around... just becuase I REALLY need a hair cut... and I want to look good when I come back to school.

I think those are good tho!!

I'm going to chill on the whole tattoo idea... I have 2... that I like but if I get another one, I want it to be MEANINGFUL. I man obviously the cross is... but I want a legit meaningful one to me on a personal level.

I think the whole Joe thing has really knocked me down like 10 levels in the whole self-esteem thing... Just becuase I feel like it's because Im fat... which I know is stupid... but i'm not going to lie... I wouldnt want to date a fat guy either.... gggerr!

Well I love you all!

I promise this blog will get better soon! 

And that I will be commenting more!

Love you all :D