today...

...was ok.
BFAST: half a banana
LUNCH:half a grape fruit, and a salad with a few croutons, a little caesar dressing, and 3 tiny slice of chicken.
SNACKS DURING WORK: (this is where is got rough.. I knew I would be bingeing sooner or later since I haven't in a while... still not too bad.)
I had 2 little green tootsie rolls... then 4 more. so 6 tootsie rolls.
then a 120 cal skinny cow pack.
then a few yogurt covered raisins... ok, so not too bad.. but it felt like sooo much.
DINNER: a 220 cal organic vegan opes pizza sandwich wrap thing...
then I swam 2000 yards.

I don't know why it feels that bad.... but it does... I'm hoping it prevents me from craving candy again... the yogurt raisins I got aren't that bad... 130 a serving.. but that was serving is 24% DV of sat. fat :O
prob going to be giving most of them to Carey since my control isn't that great around things like that haha.

I was 167.6 this morn. so .2 up from yesterday, but I did have to eat late last night... no biggie.

I'm sooooo sore from working out last night, it's pathetic. I've worked out everyday this week so far... I'm planning on either swimming or running/elliptical tomorrow... we'll see. I Just NEED to lose this weight... it's crazy how big of a deal it is.  It feels like a life or death situation... when really, it shouldn't be all that big of a deal. I watched people come in today and buy 5 candy bars... or 2 cinnamon rolls... or 3 hot dogs... or 2 huge bags of chocolate covered pretzels....or 5 regular cokes.. or 4 cookies. most of them were overweight, of course. but some weren't. and it just gets me.... I think that eating one of what they bought was bad enough... but they would buy whole meals with it too.  It's not that I'm judging them on their purchases... it just blows my mind.

When I was at the pool the other day I saw a lot of the older ladies in the shower, and they were naked of course, and all very large... I then noticed wow, compared to them I'm really not fat at all... they even complimented my swimsuit and one lady said, well I would need it in 20 sizes bigger though. Made me laugh. I just wish I could lose weight like a normal person... and I guess I am. I mean, I'm still eating, and I am exercising a lot...but it's the emotional side that comes along with it.

I almost made myself puke today, but I promised that October would be puke free... which it has, so far. well, on the 30th of september going into the 1st I was wasted and ate... I purged that night... but I don't count it since it was technically still September for me... and I was drunk. and... it wasn't a lot lmao...

It's weird for me that I've lost 21 pounds... it kinda sounds like a lot, and I know I do look better.... but I still feel like I have SO much to go. Some days I feel like I only lose 5, but the scale keeps telling me the 21 are no longer there. I knew I would be happier in the 160's, and I am... I knew that I would finally feel normal again once I hit 163... but now that that is only 5 pounds away, I'm not sure if it will be that same that it has in the past... I fell bigger now than I usually do at 167. o well. The main goal is 154, since that's the lowest I've gotten since April 2009. And then we'll go from their.

Much love.
<3